spoken into being

this says it all...

Cool Web
Children are dumb to say how hot the day is,
How hot the scent is of the summer rose,
How dreadful the black wastes of evening sky,
How dreadful the tall soldiers drumming by,

But we have speech, to chill the angry day,
And speech, to dull the roses's cruel scent,
We spell away the overhanging night,
We spell away the soldiers and the fright.

There's a cool web of language winds us in,
Retreat from too much joy or too much fear:
We grow sea-green at last and coldly die
In brininess and volubility.

But if we let our tongues lose self-possession,
Throwing off language and its watery clasp
Before our death, instead of when death comes,
Facing the wide glare of the children's day,
Facing the rose, the dark sky and the drums,
We shall go mad, no doubt, and die that way.

  -- Robert Graves

BECOMMING ME

So here I am entering into a virtual world that is completely foreign to me - and well it's about time. I'm young enough to be considered a part of the tech savvy age, but really I'm one of the few from my matric year who failed (up until now, to see the excitement).

At age 28 I find my self feeling for the first time, as if well....Im getting old. I think teaching has something to do with this revelation! - I realize with each new year that passes that - Im not a teenager any more -this has taken longer to truly sink in than one might imagine . I find myself surprised by new fashion trends - that the 80ies could ever make a come back really was a shock to my system. I have caught my self complaining about the junk THEY call music and worst of all, today when one of my students realized I was studying a second degree their comment to me was "well then it is true what they say....your never to old to learn".

So with years flying by and everything inside me still feeling 16, but the maths regarding the actual years, not really adding up -I'm forced to reflect!

At 16, I truly believed that by the time I was this old, I would have changed the world some how. I believed with all my heart that I would escape the rat race of endless pushing and shoving and hand to mouth, bigger and better STUFF collecting existence. I believed that I would have carved out some bohemian life, and in so doing would be celebrating true human life , with real human connection and real God connection with real purpose! Yet here I am, not unhappy, but still not satisfied living the "oh so predictable" middle class -western society life!

The thing that no one tells you when your young is just how complex juggling all the necessary admin of life is. I know my priorities and I' think I know what I would like to be doing, what would give meaning....I just don't know how to fit it in to the too short time we have. Perhaps thats why the last 10 years have gone by unnoticed, why I inwardly feel myself to be a teenager. Because I have hit the pause button on real life while I have been doing the paper work! I have stopped risking as much, loving as deeply, playing as wildly and serving with as much passion. I have found the sensible adult moderation of life that makes things manageable, makes things safe and keeps things contained. But today, something interrupted that moderation and I realized just how stagnant MODERATION is!

I wish that this revelation had come not only with realization but answers too, but alas no such luck! That said, perhaps the reawakened thirst for REAL LIFE is the true answer and not the prescribed answerer I may be hoping for.

So here is to new life, here is to letting the adimin lapse in the face of relationship, here is to becoming ME!